What am I so afraid of?

 

The last year of my life has been so different than anything I've ever experienced. It feels like the rug was pulled out from under me but I still haven't hit the floor. I've been waiting for things to finally settle. I've been waiting for the thud, but instead I seem to be moving in slow motion not sure what to grab onto to prevent the crash. Don't get me wrong, my life is incredibly beautiful. I look about and can see rich blessings everywhere I turn. And on a day to day basis I am happy and hopeful and content. But, last night it hit me... I'm scared of so many things. At first when I realized this I was annoyed by my weakness, but then It came to my mind that if I wasn't growing and learning and changing I would have nothing to fear. So, what is it you ask that haunts my thoughts as I sweep the floors and do the dishes? What is it that creeps into the shadows of my dreams? I am afraid that I will not be able to provide the full and wonderful life my sweet daughter deserves. I am afraid I will fail at being successful, and I'll have to face giving up on building my own business. I am afraid that people wont understand that even a trace amount of a peanut can kill my daughter. I'm afraid of putting myself out there for people I don't know, or maybe even worse that I do know, to see me for who I really am. I'm afraid to speak out about something I am so passionate about, and to have it rejected. I'm afraid to speak up and educate people about food allergies because I don't want my actions to cause Mazzy any harm, such as bullying or exclusion from activities. I'm afraid say to much and risk annoying others or being a burden. When I look at this list I can't help but think of the scripture

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

As I switch my mind set into this new perspective I find great wisdom and comfort. It is out of pure love for my daughter that I have started this journey, and those that don't see it that way are just not in a place to truly understand what I am facing. I am ready to take hold of the power I do have to protect her, and hope to be of sound mind as I go forth to do so. I am ready to speak for her when she cannot, and will be there as she learns to navigate and accept the challenges that come with a food allergy. I am ready to extend an arm of love and support for those that have not been able to find it elsewhere, or are fighting a battle to further the cause at the cost of their own strength. I am ready to show and learn from my vulnerabilities in order to help others find their way down the right path.

As I do this I cannot guarantee to always be right, I still have a lot to learn. And I cannot guarantee I wont stumble and be fearful again. But to those of you that understand the challenges I am facing I am hopeful that we can come together to support and guide each other. And to those of you that don't understand, and may find my constant push for this cause an annoyance, please understand it is my child's life at stake, and you would do the same.

So for now I plan to push forward. I will look for every opportunity I can to speak up at church, through the schools, at community functions etc... You will see me with my little booth complete with safe "treats" and a demonstration on cross contamination. I will post everything I find informative and useful on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter, and any other SM outlet I think might get some attention. I will continue to create awareness t-shirts for my little lady to wear to help keep her safe. I promise to be "That Mom" Because for every person that I can reach and educate there is one more child that is a little bit safer. The more I talk, the more people will understand, and the safer our children will be.

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